Things people don’t tell you about losing a loved one
Loss is something every human will experience at some point in their lives, and yet, no amount of preparation can make its arrival any easier.
In particular, when you lose a loved one, the world as you know it changes, and not just emotionally, but physically, mentally and spiritually.
In these moments, people will often try to offer you some comfort, some kind words and maybe a hug. But there are essential truths about grief that rarely get spoken about.
From my own personal experiences with grief, I thought it would be helpful to share some of the things people don’t tell you about losing a loved one.
It can be such a physical experience
Grief isn’t just a feeling; it can be a full-body experience. Many people assume sadness is something that stays in your mind or heart, but grief will often manifest as real, physical symptoms.
These can vary depending on the person, but here are some common ways that grief can impact you physically:
- You might experience fatigue or low energy
- Your nervous system can become unregulated
- Your chest might become tight
- Sleep patterns can become disrupted
- Your appetite might change – either not eating or binge eating
- Your immune system might be weakened, and you could become ill more easily or take longer to recover
- Muscle tension and physical pain can impact your neck, shoulders, back or jaw
- Stress caused by grief can disrupt hormonal regulation
- Grief fog can slow you down – this sensation can leave you feeling disoriented, forgetful or confused
Despite what many think, this physicality of grief is not a metaphor. Your nervous system reacts to loss with the same urgency it uses to protect you from danger. This is why grief feels exhausting and intense, even when you “know” you should be coping.
It’s so important to treat your body with the same kindness you wish others would give your emotions. Prioritise rest, eat nutritious foods, move gently and stay hydrated. Spending time in nature can also help you to feel more grounded, as can finding comfort in small activities and daily routine.
It’s not a linear process
Many resources will present the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — in a nice, neat line. And yes, these models can help us to understand grief and how we experience it, but it’s important to recognise that stages are not waiting in a queue for you to complete them.
Grief is more like waves in an unpredictable ocean. One day you might feel calm, and the next a wave crashes over you with fresh heartbreak. The first year might feel like a blur, and suddenly, five years later, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed on their birthday or an important date.
You might find yourself laughing at something trivial and then weeping over a memory just moments later. You may feel “fine” in the morning and overwhelmed by the evening.
Know that this inconsistency is normal. There is no timetable and no one path that looks the same for two people. There is also no expiry date for missing someone, so embrace your emotions, whatever they may be and let yourself feel.
Empty platitudes don’t help
After losing a loved one, everyone just wants to say the “right thing”, but what often comes out instead are well-meaning but hollow platitudes. Things like:
- They’re in a better place now
- At least they lived a long life
- At least they’re reunited with {partner}
- Time heals all wounds
While these statements can feel comforting in theory, in the raw moment of loss, they often fall flat. Worse, they can actually make you feel misunderstood or your feelings dismissed.
This is because grief is not a problem to be fixed with words. It doesn’t respond to clichés or easy reassurance. Instead, you want presence and acknowledgement without minimising your experiences.
But just remember, people don’t say these things to dismiss you; they just want to help or don’t know what else to do. If you do find yourself feeling let down by the words of others, know they are doing their best, but your feelings are also valid.
You get grief brain
One of the least talked-about aspects of loss is the cognitive impact. People often call it grief brain. It’s a kind of mental fog where concentration feels impossible, your memory becomes unreliable, and decision-making can feel like an exhausting chore. Tasks that were once simple can feel insurmountable.
It’s important to know that this is not laziness or weakness. It’s your brain’s response to the emotional overload of loss. When your nervous system is constantly processing pain, there’s less energy available for “normal” functions like organising, planning and remembering things.
Just be gentle with yourself. Deadlines, obligations and routines can wait; they will still be there later, so for now, give your brain the rest and compassion it needs to heal.
You are forever changed by the event
Some losses are life-altering in ways you might not immediately recognise. Losing a person you love doesn’t just change your daily life; it alters your identity. It can impact who you are, how you see the world and what you value.
Even years later, you might find yourself reflecting on how the loss reshaped your priorities, goals or beliefs. And this is not something that people often talk about because it can feel frightening or irreversible.
But remember, change isn’t always negative. A big loss can deepen your empathy, strengthen your resilience and bring clarity to what truly matters. It rewires your perspective, not to erase the pain, but to integrate it into who you become.
You can feel isolated
You can have the biggest, kindest or most helpful support network around you, but still feel isolated. This is because, after a funeral or moments of your highest emotional intensity, people often return to their normal daily routines.
Your closest friends or family may be dealing with their own grief, or they may assume you’re “healing” and don’t need as much support. But grief doesn’t disappear just because the world has moved on. In the silence that follows the flurry of sympathy, cards and flowers, many people feel profoundly alone.
Grief can make you feel like you’re the only person in the world who sees your reality, especially when those around you have not experienced a similar loss. This isolation is a reminder of how deeply you loved someone, but it’s also why reaching out to supportive communities, experienced counsellors or others who have grieved can be helpful in healing.
You’ll learn what really matters
One of the bittersweet truths about loss is that it clarifies your values and what you really want from life. When someone you love is gone, the trivial anxieties that once consumed you often fall away. You begin to see what is genuinely important to you, things like connection, presence, kindness, and the fragile beauty you find in the ordinary moments we take for granted.
This shift doesn’t mean you won’t feel pain anymore, but you may find a deeper appreciation for life’s simple gifts, and this can help you on your journey.
You become more willing to say what matters, to forgive people, to prioritise love over busyness. Loss teaches you that time is a precious, limited resource. And that love, in all its forms, is what makes life meaningful.
You don’t have to grieve alone
Losing a loved one is devastating and one of the quiet assumptions around grief is that it should be private. That it’s something you carry silently, process internally, and eventually “move past” without burdening others. But grief was never meant to be hidden.
Although loss feels deeply personal, trying to carry this alone can intensify feelings of isolation, especially when the outside world appears to have moved on. However, over time, that emotional suppression can become exhausting.
Grief does not have to be a solitary journey.
Speaking your loss out loud can be a powerful step toward healing. Friends and family can be a good place to start, but counselling services and talking therapy provide a dedicated space where your grief is allowed to exist exactly as it is.
A therapist can help you make sense of overwhelming feelings, manage grief brain, and gently adjust to life after loss — all at your own pace.
So, if you’d like someone to speak to about your experiences with loss and grief, I am here to help. Get in touch today for a free 20-minute phone consultation, or find out more about the counselling services I offer, here.